How to survive this critical moment in a couple and why betrayal helps both partners become better? The opinion of a psychotherapist working with pairs.
How to react to betrayal correctly
In our mentality, betrayal is perceived as aggression on the part of a partner. Therefore, the second half, having learned about adultery, most often feels like a victim.
My patients usually describe their condition as a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, which is accompanied by great resentment, the depreciation of what was lost in the situation. It seems to them that they took away something important that they have lost something valuable and
unique in life.
At this moment, a woman needs to try to look at everything objectively and shift the focus of attention from her perception of the situation. In fact, the problem is not in her, but in a partner who does not behave the same as he decided, violating the oath of fidelity.
A man, changing, creates extreme difficulties in life, which, due to infantility and internal immaturity, at first does not feel
This awareness comes with age.
Typically, by 35-40 years, my male patients formulate a request to help. They admit that after numerous betrayals, lies to the spouse, long -term relationships on the side are very tired of this contradiction in life, but they themselves are not able to cope.
Here you can draw an analogy with those who want to lose weight, but eat another piece of cake for the night. By the way, I note that women are aware of the situation and the consequences of their betrayal almost immediately.
If a woman loves her partner and did not commit anything ambiguous in relation to him, then the first thing she needs to stop considering herself a victim. This is important for further effective work to overcome and exit the crisis.
Otherwise, there is a great risk of going into a state of confrontation and deaf defense. Either fall into paranoia and hypercontrol, constantly checking the gadgets and location of the partner. Nor no other contributes to the development and preservation of relations.
Treason – resource for changes for the better
The campaign “to the side” usually reveals problems both in pairs and in every partner. Deep fears and complexes come to the surface, the future of the family depends on the development.
As a rule, patterns and psycho -traumas become obvious, which are guided by everyone in these relations. For example, a cheating spouse can, without realizing it, repeat the script of the parental family in which dad or mother was convicted of adultery. Moreover, in words, he can directly condemn this behavior.
Either after the appearance of the child, the spouse begins to feel the lack of attention from his wife and his uselessness. But since one need, he unconsciously blocks another, there is a reason for treason.
There is such a thing as “anniversary syndrome”.
A married couple has conflicts at the same age at which their parents or grandmother-grandfathers experienced disorders in the family, loss, shocks
And unconsciously, people from generation to generation repeat the birth program.
In psychogeniology, this phenomenon is well studied and amenable to quality study. Family psychotherapy allows you to find gaps in your soul, psyche and behavior. The expert’s independent look helps to decipher all emotional patterns that lead partners in order to bring each from the victims of circumstances to a qualitatively different level of the owner of their fate.
In working with pairs, I first analyze the family-river script that brought people to this situation. And then I return the partners a sense of responsibility for their position.
From the position of the “owner”, the patient can already understand the meaning of what happened and begin internal changes to improve relations. Having gained his integrity, a person no longer wants to change, because he sees and feels the value of himself and the family union.
From experience, I can say that for such a deeply honest look, a certain courage is needed inside myself. Not all my patients are resolving this, and therefore get stuck in search of the meaning of life, resentment, conflicts and the position of the victim. As a result, a painful divorce occurs, and each partner carries all these impenetrated injuries to the following relations.
Why is it better to save than destroy
In my opinion, the best, deep and effective spiritual practice is a real family life. I have been living in a happy marriage for 21 years and I am the father of five children. I know firsthand what crises are in the family and what a powerful resource gives their overcoming for relations.
It is in the family that we are as open and vulnerable as possible in our nature and are unable to hide something from another. It is family relations that highlight all our best and worst aspects, forcing both partners to transform. The family cleans all the nooks of our soul so that we become stronger and happier, gain harmony and the true meaning of life.
Family relationships are also a tool for physical restoration and healing, since they have a strong emotional, energy and event resource. Thus, in a difficult situation of betrayal and betrayal, it is extremely important to act. And for this you need to leave the victim’s position as soon as possible.
This will allow adequate to perceive changes in life, make the correct analysis of events that caused this “performance” and go through the path of internal transformations to gain internal integrity, harmony and happiness.